Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.