I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
