Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.