I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
two words: eviction party
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?