i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.