I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge