I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
