Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.