When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
