He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are my feet made of real feet?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"