Texts From Last Night

tagman699's Favorites Texts:

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  (813): View more from Florida

  hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.

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  (813): hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton. http://tfl.nu/u4qg
  Replies (66) Good night (341) Bad night (4115) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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  (207): I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something. http://tfl.nu/x6k7
  Replies (21) Good night (6471) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
  Replies (30) Good night (1994) Bad night (7470)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
  Replies (25) Good night (6614) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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  (501): i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there http://tfl.nu/kuz7
  Replies (17) Good night (4561) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

  (1-858): View more from California

  Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

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  (858): I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth (1-858): Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again? http://tfl.nu/8rfw
  Replies (10) Good night (464) Bad night (4958) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
  Replies (45) Good night (19375) Bad night (642)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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  (785): I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever. http://tfl.nu/2hpf
  Replies (37) Good night (12208) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38044) Bad night (1193)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I puked a lego.

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  (603): I puked a lego. http://tfl.nu/7r9h
  Replies (10) Good night (1435) Bad night (2354) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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  (205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47
  Replies (74) Good night (1905) Bad night (8512) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
  Replies (20) Good night (3968) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

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  (480): So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that. http://tfl.nu/bec0
  Replies (12) Good night (882) Bad night (2037) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  I like my sex mixed with concussions.

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  (858): I like my sex mixed with concussions. http://tfl.nu/qysd
  Replies (6) Good night (837) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.

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  (530): 1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details. http://tfl.nu/vtyc
  Replies (34) Good night (1709) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

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  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
  Replies (100) Good night (9762) Bad night (2578)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
  Replies (54) Good night (15852) Bad night (1586) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

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  (716): speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms http://tfl.nu/8xzr
  Replies (9) Good night (4111) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
  Replies (26) Good night (8593) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.

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  (248): did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there. http://tfl.nu/0o4m
  Replies (6) Good night (1004) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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  (630): I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti. http://tfl.nu/166m
  Replies (21) Good night (927) Bad night (6352) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
  Replies (77) Good night (17720) Bad night (2149) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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  (908): and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line. http://tfl.nu/n1fc
  Replies (10) Good night (4208) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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  (614): halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday' http://tfl.nu/p489
  Replies (62) Good night (2048) Bad night (23432) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(

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  (949): After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =( http://tfl.nu/pv1c
  Replies (43) Good night (346) Bad night (5071)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

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  (314): I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people. http://tfl.nu/5ctu
  Replies (15) Good night (907) Bad night (2577) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.

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  (843): Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way. http://tfl.nu/hex7
  Replies (23) Good night (5071) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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  (949) I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden http://tfl.nu/i6ve
  Replies (9) Good night (1201) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night

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  (541): I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night http://tfl.nu/6f3k
  Replies (6) Good night (1049) Bad night (3302) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
  Replies (47) Good night (8983) Bad night (629)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
  Replies (131) Good night (5790) Bad night (6953) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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  (940): I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl (1-940): you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent. http://tfl.nu/wzvk
  Replies (47) Good night (1979) Bad night (5775)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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  (239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread. http://tfl.nu/62jg
  Replies (18) Good night (7446) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
  Replies (30) Good night (1022) Bad night (12395) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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  (252): Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome? http://tfl.nu/vqed
  Replies (56) Good night (1765) Bad night (9302) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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  (201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09
  Replies (23) Good night (11003) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
  Replies (124) Good night (39431) Bad night (2264)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82815) Bad night (7566)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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  (757): Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever. http://tfl.nu/ml9k
  Replies (20) Good night (9239) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
  Replies (57) Good night (16064) Bad night (762)
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  (949): View more from California

  so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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  (949): so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later" http://tfl.nu/dpva
  Replies (17) Good night (6453) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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  (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. http://tfl.nu/9rv5
  Replies (58) Good night (12260) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt