When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.