Texts From Last Night

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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

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  (571): I seriously fake cumming more than i poop. http://tfl.nu/kwns
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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  (571): The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or http://tfl.nu/mgim
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  (360): View more from Washington

  There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.

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  (360): There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line. http://tfl.nu/jhch
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What should I wear?

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

  (206): View more from Washington

  I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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  (206): What should I wear? (808): Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar (206): I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys." http://tfl.nu/2bo9
  Replies (5) Good night (3229) Bad night (687)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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  (806): I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you. http://tfl.nu/8w6h
  Replies (12) Good night (3191) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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  (303): They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome. http://tfl.nu/wbzs
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
  Replies (20) Good night (8334) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
  Replies (14) Good night (13882) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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  (858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open. http://tfl.nu/kkl3
  Replies (23) Good night (14027) Bad night (991) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14281) Bad night (3602) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
  Replies (71) Good night (14671) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
  Replies (42) Good night (14611) Bad night (1223)
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  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
  Replies (51) Good night (14845) Bad night (2232) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (35) Good night (15101) Bad night (1259) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
  Replies (52) Good night (15854) Bad night (1583) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
  Replies (191) Good night (15861) Bad night (2191) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (16410) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
  Replies (32) Good night (17592) Bad night (1181)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
  Replies (96) Good night (16539) Bad night (1193)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
  Replies (64) Good night (17073) Bad night (1411) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
  Replies (144) Good night (17390) Bad night (2722) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
  Replies (38) Good night (17188) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
  Replies (62) Good night (18036) Bad night (1996) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
  Replies (77) Good night (18506) Bad night (2416) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
  Replies (45) Good night (18452) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
  Replies (33) Good night (24792) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
  Replies (51) Good night (25355) Bad night (1007) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26877) Bad night (4293) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (56) Good night (30099) Bad night (1410) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
  Replies (291) Good night (29458) Bad night (13134) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
  Replies (97) Good night (32007) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36466) Bad night (4990)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (85) Good night (38117) Bad night (1622)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51576) Bad night (2262)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
  Replies (434) Good night (54928) Bad night (6422) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
  Replies (179) Good night (85897) Bad night (3077) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112217) Bad night (9729) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168273) Bad night (42160) Order T-Shirt