I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section