In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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