"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
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He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.