I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.