can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
