we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious