I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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