Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor