I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.