i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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