She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?