I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize