Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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