Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"