he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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