you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
