Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".