i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
