Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'