I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
