My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.