normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.