TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter