there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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