i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.