I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night