My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.