I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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