Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.