We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate