just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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