We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dignity is for republicans.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.