i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am