Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife đŹ
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying âFUCK YOUâ to all my spam emails. Canât tell you how excited I am
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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