Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...