I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it