Texts From Last Night

noel009's Favorites Texts:

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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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  (336): Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem" http://tfl.nu/nmt9
  Replies (3) Good night (380) Bad night (79) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.

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  (813): Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line. http://tfl.nu/x7j1
  Replies (4) Good night (547) Bad night (104) Order T-Shirt
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

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  (276): I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me http://tfl.nu/m1mj
  Replies (1) Good night (691) Bad night (104) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

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  (226): You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!" http://tfl.nu/6320
  Replies (1) Good night (479) Bad night (104) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

  (909): View more from California

  What is it? Drugs?

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  (562): I bought something for you today. You'll love it. (909): What is it? Drugs? http://tfl.nu/q4iy
  Replies (4) Good night (768) Bad night (135)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.

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  (306): Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am. http://tfl.nu/zysn
  Replies (3) Good night (523) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.

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  (781): We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes. http://tfl.nu/atoq
  Replies (1) Good night (479) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.

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  (541): I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila. http://tfl.nu/lzm1
  Replies (1) Good night (569) Bad night (128) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I immediately regret the tequila decision.

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  (248): I immediately regret the tequila decision. http://tfl.nu/ptpj
  Replies (4) Good night (399) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.

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  (785): Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas. http://tfl.nu/amy7
  Replies (6) Good night (745) Bad night (125) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

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  (516): No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it. http://tfl.nu/ephi
  Replies (4) Good night (780) Bad night (210)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"

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  (608): It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy" http://tfl.nu/jtam
  Replies (0) Good night (506) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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  (404): Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want. http://tfl.nu/ce96
  Replies (5) Good night (1696) Bad night (187) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol

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  (617): I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol http://tfl.nu/guix
  Replies (3) Good night (684) Bad night (154) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.

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  (773): All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now. http://tfl.nu/dqh8
  Replies (6) Good night (695) Bad night (187) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (9) Good night (3088) Bad night (721)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.

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  (814): I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party. http://tfl.nu/nrd6
  Replies (16) Good night (2963) Bad night (442)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
  Replies (10) Good night (1637) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  What are your plans?

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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  (608): What are your plans? (1-608): Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters. http://tfl.nu/04dy
  Replies (1) Good night (644) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.

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  (717): Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards. http://tfl.nu/kyyg
  Replies (2) Good night (555) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines

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  (901): Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines http://tfl.nu/paji
  Replies (10) Good night (560) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.

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  (818): I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome. http://tfl.nu/6w7h
  Replies (0) Good night (482) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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  (617): My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me. http://tfl.nu/up6q
  Replies (2) Good night (821) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.

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  (314): We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock. http://tfl.nu/jkqv
  Replies (0) Good night (378) Bad night (136) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

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  (920): Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!" http://tfl.nu/2v59
  Replies (0) Good night (625) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.

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  (+27): Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on. http://tfl.nu/4hb1
  Replies (1) Good night (459) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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  (937): The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve http://tfl.nu/cdxu
  Replies (1) Good night (1080) Bad night (169) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.

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  (416): You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/90l8
  Replies (3) Good night (855) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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  (610): I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka. http://tfl.nu/ytpq
  Replies (8) Good night (1004) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....

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  (989): I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants.... http://tfl.nu/17h8
  Replies (1) Good night (646) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?

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  (805): I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal? http://tfl.nu/khtc
  Replies (7) Good night (629) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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  (416): arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house? (647): Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me. http://tfl.nu/yck0
  Replies (4) Good night (1632) Bad night (173)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.

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  (201): I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me. http://tfl.nu/s5ef
  Replies (0) Good night (772) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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  (514): It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary http://tfl.nu/a9h3
  Replies (0) Good night (781) Bad night (215)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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  (610): BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON http://tfl.nu/ic7e
  Replies (17) Good night (1337) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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  (916): My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower" http://tfl.nu/qx3d
  Replies (7) Good night (817) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.

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  (732): How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity. http://tfl.nu/tije
  Replies (1) Good night (965) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.

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  (914): But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level. http://tfl.nu/ncka
  Replies (2) Good night (364) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)

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  (972): Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :) http://tfl.nu/7aie
  Replies (1) Good night (612) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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  (248): They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients http://tfl.nu/50sw
  Replies (2) Good night (537) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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  (724): She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment. http://tfl.nu/wo3z
  Replies (5) Good night (1151) Bad night (313)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.

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  (903): Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts. http://tfl.nu/fdo3
  Replies (8) Good night (1263) Bad night (548)
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  (323): View more from California

  Put some vodka in it

  (424): View more from California

  Its 7am

  (323): View more from California

  put some vodka in it

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  (323): Put some vodka in it (424): Its 7am (323): put some vodka in it http://tfl.nu/mu2b
  Replies (7) Good night (1630) Bad night (194)