i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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