She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"