Texts From Last Night

meowmers's Favorites Texts:

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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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  (513): You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when. http://tfl.nu/o3c9
  Replies (6) Good night (982) Bad night (142)
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2798) Bad night (252)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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  (703): Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic. http://tfl.nu/bmqq
  Replies (11) Good night (1209) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake

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  (916): I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake http://tfl.nu/x3na
  Replies (3) Good night (1061) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car

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  (978): Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car http://tfl.nu/2swm
  Replies (2) Good night (828) Bad night (2265) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.

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  (314): Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous. http://tfl.nu/8pll
  Replies (15) Good night (1230) Bad night (341)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor

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  (780): i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor http://tfl.nu/zkix
  Replies (3) Good night (810) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
  Replies (9) Good night (2075) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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  (636): maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention. http://tfl.nu/8c9n
  Replies (14) Good night (1342) Bad night (3076) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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  (325): Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul. http://tfl.nu/ljpv
  Replies (8) Good night (1191) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.

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  (904): There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's. http://tfl.nu/flhw
  Replies (5) Good night (752) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

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  (314): Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation. http://tfl.nu/d9l2
  Replies (4) Good night (740) Bad night (1867)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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  (314): I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment http://tfl.nu/5u6p
  Replies (11) Good night (4756) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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  (586): LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT http://tfl.nu/bpk7
  Replies (19) Good night (2217) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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  (314): I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/5nj6
  Replies (28) Good night (1606) Bad night (3616) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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  (202): Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that. http://tfl.nu/hdvk
  Replies (14) Good night (2634) Bad night (538)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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  (563): For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in. http://tfl.nu/kbab
  Replies (12) Good night (2492) Bad night (792)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

  (636): View more from Missouri

  HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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  (636): & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut' (636): HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ay1
  Replies (14) Good night (1280) Bad night (3072)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Why Weren't you wearing pants?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  because pants are for people with no imagination

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  (416): Why Weren't you wearing pants? (647): because pants are for people with no imagination http://tfl.nu/baiz
  Replies (6) Good night (2212) Bad night (408)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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  (703): A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world http://tfl.nu/xi7q
  Replies (42) Good night (3049) Bad night (5102) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"

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  (314): I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina" http://tfl.nu/4mpo
  Replies (14) Good night (3825) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.

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  (314): No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone. http://tfl.nu/hhkp
  Replies (9) Good night (3881) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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  (314): the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier. http://tfl.nu/vyfv
  Replies (6) Good night (4046) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

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  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
  Replies (7) Good night (4429) Bad night (863)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks

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  (314): 96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks http://tfl.nu/s1i2
  Replies (12) Good night (4757) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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  (831): After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!" http://tfl.nu/os8d
  Replies (4) Good night (2511) Bad night (415)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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  (917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln
  Replies (26) Good night (5527) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"

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  (205): He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos" http://tfl.nu/1xhi
  Replies (10) Good night (1428) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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  (401): Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday. http://tfl.nu/wqr0
  Replies (6) Good night (2860) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.

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  (954): Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something. http://tfl.nu/6993
  Replies (3) Good night (647) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We stopped her at 12

  (708): View more from Illinois

  12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Which answer would freak you out less

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  (630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4
  Replies (5) Good night (5546) Bad night (760)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
  Replies (10) Good night (4974) Bad night (645)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
  Replies (11) Good night (8641) Bad night (1836) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?

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  (314): I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go? http://tfl.nu/u68l
  Replies (1) Good night (1545) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.

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  (615): The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment. http://tfl.nu/6ofo
  Replies (7) Good night (1968) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

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  (337): He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out" http://tfl.nu/q7ym
  Replies (9) Good night (1065) Bad night (677)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

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  (402): His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time. http://tfl.nu/xcon
  Replies (11) Good night (1669) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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  (858): I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits" http://tfl.nu/l1ei
  Replies (29) Good night (4936) Bad night (1359) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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  (636): I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public http://tfl.nu/ux7y
  Replies (9) Good night (831) Bad night (4101) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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  (905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8
  Replies (100) Good night (12152) Bad night (1767) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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  (978): Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times http://tfl.nu/be2v
  Replies (14) Good night (1545) Bad night (4327) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina

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  (856): i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina http://tfl.nu/7m3b
  Replies (22) Good night (800) Bad night (5044) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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  (302): dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit http://tfl.nu/61qr
  Replies (13) Good night (6549) Bad night (1020) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.

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  (740): Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked. http://tfl.nu/voiu
  Replies (3) Good night (1028) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual

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  (774): Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual http://tfl.nu/ncxl
  Replies (5) Good night (1076) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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  (+61): I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in. http://tfl.nu/ilgv
  Replies (9) Good night (2859) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship

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  (310): Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship http://tfl.nu/9h2k
  Replies (5) Good night (1455) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

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  (+44): I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together. http://tfl.nu/fdbr
  Replies (5) Good night (1395) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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  (618): I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today http://tfl.nu/z5b2
  Replies (4) Good night (2025) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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  (517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall... http://tfl.nu/myki
  Replies (18) Good night (9744) Bad night (2017) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
  Replies (15) Good night (7914) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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  (636): If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies http://tfl.nu/2ary
  Replies (3) Good night (892) Bad night (1351) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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  (314): DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT?? http://tfl.nu/2vmn
  Replies (13) Good night (5701) Bad night (1694) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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  (631): So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown. http://tfl.nu/wxtg
  Replies (5) Good night (2040) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Come down off the roof.

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  (847): Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go. (314): Come down off the roof. http://tfl.nu/d3mp
  Replies (3) Good night (1854) Bad night (559)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
  Replies (18) Good night (1710) Bad night (5885)
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
  Replies (42) Good night (3594) Bad night (8913) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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  (204): Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles http://tfl.nu/rk9c
  Replies (13) Good night (2408) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.

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  (954): Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body. http://tfl.nu/z8oj
  Replies (3) Good night (1010) Bad night (2044) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.

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  (347): The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that. http://tfl.nu/bwbw
  Replies (19) Good night (1433) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.

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  (269): Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done. http://tfl.nu/tz4a
  Replies (6) Good night (998) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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  (910): I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend http://tfl.nu/p2pa
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Please be lying.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im not. Your family was creeped out

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  (636): You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased (314): Please be lying. (636): Im not. Your family was creeped out http://tfl.nu/82lj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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