we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.