We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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